Proof that It All Happened Just Like I Said it Did by Miranda Evans

2020 Journal

Thursday, January 30th: I lost a whole month. Well, most of it. I spent the entire morning looking for it, but only found a cloud of gnats buzzing around the trash and leftover holiday fruit in the kitchen. I opened the back door and asked them to leave. I even went out and back in and out and back in to show them what I meant, just in case they don’t understand English. 

You are good at leaving. I wish you would talk to them.

Friday, January 31st: It feels like a Saturday. I stayed in my pajamas and ate cereal from a butter bowl and watched old cartoons. I am Wile E. Coyote. You are the dropping anvil, the force of gravity, the cleverly painted road forward. I miss you.

Saturday, January 32nd: I received a letter today. It was signed ME, but I know it was from you. The envelope wasn’t addressed or stamped or even in the mailbox. Somehow, you managed to sneak it into my underwear drawer. An utter violation. I’ve never felt closer to you. 

My favorite line from your letter: I hope this letter finds you doing well. 

I hope that too.

Saturday, February 1st: I answered your letter but wasn’t sure where to mail it. I stuffed it in the freezer next to the rum raisin ice cream you love so much. I smiled thinking about you tip-toeing across the floor at midnight for a creamy snack and finding something sweeter.

Sunday, February 2nd: You haven’t gotten your letter. 

Monday, February 3rd: You still haven’t gotten your letter! So, I ate three spoons of ice cream right from the carton. 

How do you eat that crap? 

Don’t be mad at me.

Friday, February 7th: Mother came to see me today, but she didn’t look like herself and asked me to call her Ruth. RUTH cleaned up the kitchen and cursed the gnats and me. She sure sounded like Mother. 

Sunday, February 9th: I woke up like lightning and went for a swim. A guy named Jack or Jim or Johnnie gave me a ride home. He asked me not to come back. 

Why won’t you come back? DID HE TELL YOU NOT TO?

Tuesday, February 11th: I am dying. I called Mother, but she didn’t answer. I think Jack or Jim or Johnnie got me sick.

February 12th through February 19th: I was in the hospital. I asked everyone to call you, but they didn’t know your number. I told them you were number one, but apparently it was a long distance call.

Friday, February 21st: I found the empty carton of ice cream in the bathroom. You could have waited on me to get home. You could have visited me in the hospital. You could have.

Wednesday, March 25th: Ruth is now Karen. I wish she’d get her story straight. She bought groceries and packed the cupboards, fridge, and freezer. 

I found your letter behind a bag of frozen peas. You are so thoughtful, sometimes. Please come home.

Wednesday, April 1st: April Fool’s Day! Did I ever tell you the one about the rabbi and the turtle? I will, remind me.

Monday, May 4th: I’ve been looking for my diary! You’ll have to do better than hide it in my suitcase! Are you trying to tell me something?

Wednesday, May 20th: The lady next door said everyone is getting sick. I closed the door on her. We don’t need that here, and, besides, she’s batshit crazy. You said so yourself.

Tuesday, June 2nd: Two people showed up at my door wearing masks. I couldn’t understand anything they said, but I still gave them candy and said Happy Halloween. Were you the one on the left?

Thursday, June 25th: Karen aka Ruth quit. That’s what Randy said. He’s new, and I don’t believe him. He’s wearing a mask and gloves. It’s all a trick. I think he’s stealing from me. I can’t trust him, and IT IS NOT because he made me take a handful of pills. I don’t care what he says! Also, I spit them out when he left. 

Good luck next time “Randy.”

Friday, July 3rd: I know now that you really were trying to send me a signal by putting my diary in the pink suitcase. I’m packing. I will find you. Don’t worry, baby. I’m coming to you.

Saturday, July 4th: They’re trying to kill us! Me and you and that crazy bitch, Shirley, next door. I waited until dark. I was going to come find you, but they started bombing the apartments. God, I’m so scared. I hope you are safe. I hope you know that I love you and that I will never, never, never give up on you.

Monday, July 6th: Apparently, the bombs were a joke. I’m too pissed to even talk to you right now.

Wednesday, August 19th: I was waiting on the mail when you drove by. Why didn’t you at least wave at me? You bastard!

Tuesday, September 1st: I asked Randy to buy rum raisin ice cream. He said: Why? You don’t even like it. 

He sounded ridiculous.

Sunday, October 4th: I’m over it, over you. For good this time. I’ve decided to marry Randy. I don’t want to hurt you, but it’s the way this has to be. I will tell him tomorrow. I’m lighting candles and showering and making ham sandwiches. It’s going to be beautiful.

Monday, October 5th: Fuck Randy!

Tuesday, November 3rd: I’m still waiting on you, but Shirley told me about THE QUARANTINE. I’m sure they have you.

Wednesday, November 18th: Ever feel like the world has gone crazy and you’re the only sane one left? 

Tuesday, December 29th: She was under a sheet. I couldn’t see her, but I know they took Shirley. When she gets to THE QUARANTINE, please be nice to her.

Thursday, December 31st: I have resolved to stop looking for lost things—days, words, Shirley, Mother, you, myself. 

Header photo by Jacelyn Yap.