MeToo / MeToo / MeToo

MeToo / MeToo / MeToo

MeToo / MeToo / MeToo 960 720 Mercury Marvin Sunderland

October 2017 was a bad month for you / like how february 2018 was. not in the same ways but

october 2017 you had just been medically withdrawn from college the month before / your suicide attempt stared at you in the mirror

+ the only way you managed october 2017 was through inktober. that challenge where one draws a full ink drawing for every day of october.

a lot of shit happened that month / because it was your first full month home from suicide + you had only one life purpose + it was to draw

/ but another thing happened in october 2017 / do you remember / do you understand

in october 2017 your facebook / became filled with #metoo posts + yes yes you posted #metoo / because it really was true / #metoo every woman / or feminine person / or person assigned female / who’d fallen under those sexual assault / sexual harassment / hands / you outed yourself on facebook sorta kinda you weren’t out as a sexual abuse survivor to the world + you still aren’t yet as you write this + this book is meant to be your outing if it ever goes out \ but you didn’t say what happened / you just posted #metoo + that’s all you posted / but good golly did it scare you + good golly did you panic \ panic / panic / panic /panic / you have ptsd + you’ve known that for a while now + your facebook feed was filled with #metoo posts + you panic / panic / panic / you can feel his hands on you again + hear the threats again + you panic / panic / panic + every now + then you get nightmares of a man who takes you + rapes you + you have had many rape nightmares that leave you a day full of shaking / nightmares where you see his face again that leave you with days of terrified insomnia + right now your facebook is filled with #metoo posts + you panic / panic / panic

you panic the whole day your mind is nothing but panic

you have a fight with your whole family in the car that night / your family is driving to a restaurant / but you will never be eating dinner with them

+ you have a fight with your whole family in the car that night / your family enters the restaurant

/ but you exit + don’t look back

you are running. running running through the cold seattle autumn night + you weave across streets + cross roads / you look behind + see your mother running after you nearby the library / so you run faster faster faster you are a bullet + you are skyrocketing past your lifetime

you cannot see your mother anymore + your mother cannot find you

you receive numerous phone calls + texts from your family + you ignore them all / there is nothing in this world but running running running in this cold autumn night

you run all the way from your south seattle neighborhood to the central district / capitol hill area of seattle + seattle is a big city + that’s a distance that takes you an hour by two buses to get to / so you have been running for a long time / but you are not weary / you are just panicking / panicking / panicking

your phone dies + you have nothing but a dead phone + the clothes on your body + your chest binder is breaking you to bits

(the thing that terrifies you about your gender / isn’t only transphobia + gender dysphoria / no / no / no / the thing that terrifies you about your gender is that it gives you another thing in common with him / you two were similar people / he was one of your closest childhood friends / can you trust anybody? can you trust anybody? you had to cut yourself off from nearly everyone you grew up with / but sometimes you just wish you could talk to someone who’s known you since the dawn of time / new people are exhausting all the time / you are a man just like him / just like him)

your phone dies + you have nothing but a dead phone + the clothes on your body + your chest binder is breaking you to bits

your beloved drumline teacher finds you / your beloved marching band drumline teacher found you / he lives all the way in the north seattle suburbs / he has gone a long way

( / he saw your facebook post where you said you hated this world he messaged you asking what was going on / he was worried / he was worried / you laughed HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH I’M PERFECTLY FINE I’M TOTALLY NOT HAVING A PANIC ATTACK RIGHT NOW HAHAHA / he worried / he worried / he’s been very worried about you / so he had you tell you where you were + then you did + that was right before your phone died / )

your beloved drumline teacher finds you / your beloved marching band drumline teacher found you / he lives all the way in the northeast seattle suburbs / he has gone a long way

he gets you to calm down / calm down / he then returns you to your family / you are silent the whole car ride back

there were a lot of things that made october 2017 a bad month for you / but that mental breakdown / that you had on the night of facebook #metoo posts was just one of the many ways it was a bad time for you

+++ ///

you have grown weary of “triggerd” jokes made about your ptsd symptoms / triggered doesn’t mean unreasonably offended / it’s a word for a psychological response to trauma /

you have grown weary of the way that mental health is turned into a joke / remember that time when you cut yourself in the church women’s bathroom / when you gave up an entire annual trip because you couldn’t handle the transphobia you’d been subjected to on that same trip the year before /

you have grown weary of the way that your physical health is turned into a joke / remember how you spent your sophomore year doing nothing but bleeding + how you’re not sure how you made it out alive + you had to take iron pills every morning + check into the hospital a bunch of times / because you were losing so much blood + you’re pretty sure you would’ve died if it weren’t for the birth control pills / birth control pills can stop someone’s period if they’re having the problem of having their period every day + but oh pray dear mars you’re not sure how you survived /

mars is the roman god of manliness + war + battle / juno is the goddess of impregnation + marriage + women / but you pray to mars instead for your troubles / because you don’t feel comfortable asking the goddess of women who is so blatantly feminine for your problems as a man suffering from his parts in this way

you never want to be pregnant. you’ve expressed that since you were ten.

not every transgender man feels that way. some of them do want to give birth to children in their lifetime. but you don’t want to physically produce children. you don’t even want them altogether. but, can i ask why the fuck do we view adoption as some second-class alternative to childbirth?

you’re all for letting your freak flag fly / but sometimes one just has to pick their battles

+ besides, you just really don’t ever want to be pregnant. you could adopt. but not pregnancy.

it’s a commonly held misconception that / only / straight couples can physically produce children. however, that’s not true. / you are a gay trans man. whenever you date cis men / you are in a gay relationship capable of reproduction.

one of your closest friends has two moms. he’s blood-related to both. one of his moms is cis and the other is trans.

but like you said before / you don’t want to ever be pregnant. you think adoption would be fine. but never pregnancy. you’d never be able to handle it. if you ever even wanted a kid in the first place. you want a husband and a cat and to have more time on your mental health and life dreams, is that really so bad?

so you don’t pray to juno / you pray to mars instead for these troubles

+++ ///

you don’t feel comfortable expressing uterus-esque issues / because they’ve become such a heavily womanly-thought + femininely gendered thing + you will get called a woman if you try to seek help. you are forced to be quiet about your physical health for the sake of your mental health.

your name is mercury. it’s after the roman messenger god with wings on his sandals. it’s a genderbend of medusa. you don’t mind the name medusa / because it’s not your birth name. it’s just your drag name + your nonbinary name / from when you jumped from nonbinary gender to nonbinary gender and was a secret drag queen / but you were only out at your high school

it’s a commonly held stereotype that transgender people are fine giving out our birth names. but that’s very much not true. some trans people are fine with it, but, for most of us, being called our birth name is equivalent to being called a highly transphobic slur. that’s / not something many cis people know. and while i’m fine with medusa, i know that there are other trans people who aren’t comfortable with any of their previous names, regardless of it being their birth name or not.

+++ ///

october 2017 / when i solely relied on drawing inktober to live + had my mental breakdown on the night of facebook #metoo posts / was a bad month for me. the year of 2014-2015 / which was my sophomore year of high school / where i bled every day was literally the worst year of my life. things aren’t as bad as october 2017 or being a sophomore in high school.

Header artwork © Mercury Marvin Sunderland.

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